13 Traits of Trustworthy People

As a counselor, I often get asked, usually after one person has been deeply hurt by another person, “How can I know for sure if I can trust them again?” This is a great question—and a wise one—which, fortunately, comes with a lot of helpful answers. In fact, this is so important that our wellbeing and the quality of our relationships—and any possible reconciliation—depend on knowing and living according to the right answers. Therefore, with so much at stake, we should be relatively thorough in explaining the much desired traits of trustworthiness.

What, exactly, does trustworthy mean? How can we understand this invaluable aspect of life, love, and relationships? To be trustworthy means a person is actually worthy of the trust of others. How so? Because he or she has earned this trust, not with grandiose promises or carefully crafted words—and not by demanding it be given, or by pressuring or manipulating others—but by proving their character to be truly honest and reliable, as revealed through their right actions over a period of time, according to what is objectively right, true, and loving (cp. 1 Jn 3:18; Is 8:19-20; Phil 1:9-11).

Of course, we need to keep in mind that no one will be perfect in the following traits of trustworthiness. Therefore, we should have reasonable expectations of others (and ourselves)—not too high, and not too low, while giving a reasonable amount of grace. Expectations that are too high can lead to discouragement, a disconnect in the relationship, and even hopelessness. On the other hand, expectations which are too low will lead to enabling, which means empowering destructive thinking and behavior, as well as empowering destruction through dysfunctional or even abusive relationships.

What is it, exactly, that can help us to know whether we can trust someone—or if we should begin rebuilding trust with a particular person? To answer this, we have laid out thirteen traits of trustworthiness which are ideal qualities for all of us to look for and treasure in others, while also growing in these things ourselves—and seeking to live accordingly. These thirteen traits of trustworthy people are also invaluable for anyone who is looking for a potential dating or marriage partner.

It is also important to point out that when it comes to evaluating trustworthiness, rather than having an all-or-nothing mindset, it can be more helpful to assess ourselves and others based on a scale of 0 to 10 (with perhaps no one being a perfect 10).

1 | INTEGRITY

• They are they same person inwardly as they are outwardly. (Prov 10:9 11:3; 19:1; 20:7; Ps 26:1; 78:72; 1 Kgs 9:4; Ti 2:7-8)
• They are who they say they are.
• They are authentic, not duplicitous or double-minded (see Jas 1:8; Prov 23-26; Ps 55:21; 119:113).
• They do not tell one person one thing, and then another person something different.
• They consistently live in the light.
• They walk in the whole truth, especially God’s Word of truth. (1 Jn 1:5-10; 2 Jn 1:1-4; 3 Jn 1:1-4; cp. Jn 3:19-21)

2 | AUTONOMY

• They do not have to be monitored or prodded by others.
• They have the right motivation and self-discipline to lovingly do what is right and true.
• They faithfully fulfill what has been entrusted to them—mainly because they are living for God, not for what others think of them (cp. Matt 6:1ff; 25:20-21; Dan 3; Col 3:23-24; see 2 Cor 5:15).

3 | TRANSPARENCY

• They are open and willing to let you see who they really are (within reason).
• They do not hide things, nor are they evasive when questioned or challenged.
• They give direct and honest answers, with an unmistakable desire for the truth, concern for others, and love for the true Jesus.
• They speak clearly and with specificity, not with ambiguity or nuanced lawyerly doublespeak by which they can obscure the truth, weasel out of responsibility, or subtly blame others (cp. 1 Jn 1:5-10; Jn 1:47; 3:19-21)

4 | HUMILITY

• They do not talk about themselves all that much, nor do they talk too much (Prov 10:19; 17:19).
  Much of what they say and do is to bless God and benefit others—and they find great joy in doing so (Mk 12:30-31; Acts 20:35; Phil 2:1-4)—all while not seeking recognition or reciprocation.
• They give-to-give, not give-to-get, and they seek to love from love, not for love.
• [Note: Unfortunately, many popular Christian books on relationships and marriage teach us to lessen our focus and dependency on God, and to, instead, focus on how we can get our love tank filled (which is a deeply erroneous construct), and that we should give-to-get by meeting the needs of others so that they will meet our needs. This has caused untold amounts of damage in relationships, marriages, families, and beyond—especially when it comes to love, trust, and dependency.] For more, see our article: True Love Or Manipulation?

5 | FEAR OF THE LORD

• They have a healthy fear of God, which means they have a deep reverence, respect, trust in, awe of, dependency on, and love for God and His holy Word (Ps 19:9; 112:1ff; 128:1; 138:2; 1 Kgs 3:9; Prov 1:7; Is 66:2; Eph 4:30).
• This comes with a growing freedom and security in God, His grace, truth, and love. As a result, they live for God and others, and not so much themselves. (2 Cor 5:15; Matt 6:33; Phil 2:3-4; cp. Jas 3:14-16; 2 Tim 3:1ff)
• Out of this godly reverence and love, flows a natural sensitivity toward and biblical hatred of evil, sin, counterfeits, deceit, and whatever is wrong and false (Ps 119:127-128, 163).
  Because of their love for God and people, they also “hate” all that grieves Him and hurts others (Prov 8:13).
• They are keenly aware of sin and error—and the dangerous individuals associated with them (Eph 4:14; 2 Pet 2:1ff)—and are passionate about avoiding these and warning others about all that grieves the Lord and harms people (Eph 4:30; 5:6-11; Jas 5:19-20). In contrast, see: Ps 36:1-4; Jer 8:8-9; Gen 3:1ff; 1 Cor 1:17ff; 2 Chron 36:15-16; Gal 1:6-9; 2:4-5; 1 Kgs 18:17-18; Jn 15:18-19.
• [Note: There are many who hate those who hate sin, error, and evil (see Is 5:20; Ps 109:1-5). In keeping with this inverted reality, they label biblical love, fear of the Lord, and deep concern for others as “hate,” while declaring their hate to be love, compassion, tolerance, etc.]

6 | CORRECTABLE

• They receive suggestions, corrections, and even rebuke well—but only when it is based on the truth—not a personal attack, false accusation, hyper-critical, etc. (Ps 141:5; Prov 9:7-9; 10:17; 13:18; 15:31-32).

7 | TRUTH-BASED LOVE

• They not only seek to be kind, just, and compassionate, their love is based on unchanging truth—particularly God’s Word of truth—and not on the wisdom of the age, what is popular, what people want to hear, or merely on good intentions (cp. Matt 4:1ff; 1 Jn 3:18; Jn 17:17; Is 8:19-20; Eph 4:14-15; 2 Tim 3:15-4:5).
• The authority and standard for their love is not the world’s wisdom, what is trendy, or what they or others want or feel—it is God and His Word.
  Even though their biblical, truth-based love will certainly invite attacks and mockery from the world, from Enablers, and from World-Approved Christians—they love enough not to cave and conform to the world and its wisdom and ways (Rom 12:2; Jas 4:4; 1 Jn 4:5-6), to error-based love (good intentions + error), or to counterfeit justice (zeal for justice + error).
• [Note: Enablers—and those with counterfeit “love” and “justice”—are easily spotted by how they falsely accuse and personally attack those with uncompromising biblical love. They are also discerned by their lack of concern or contrition regarding the egregious injustices this sin of theirs creates—and by how they grieve God and hurt those they sin against—and subsequently damage countless others through their sin and enabling.]

8 | THOROUGHLY DISCERNING

• They are passionate about true, biblical discernment because they know truth, love, and discernment are inseparable. [See our book Love & Discernment: Why We Need Both]
• They know that when discernment is lacking, then true love will be lacking—and, as a result, people will be deceived and harmed, often through counterfeits.
• Because they seek to rightly love others—and, therefore, are very careful to avoid harming them with erroneous ideas—they lovingly and ardently practice accurately distinguishing between truth and error, loving and unloving, helpful and harmful, real and counterfeit, the truth and subjective “truth,” good and evil, biblical truth and the “world’s wisdom”—all based on objective standards and God’s written Word (cp. Heb 5:14; Acts 17:11; Jas 5:19-20).
• They thoroughly vet what they strongly believe and share with others (Phil 1:9-11).
• [Note: While some fancy themselves as great at discerning, many are often filled with pride and intellectualism, which not only harms them, but others as well—all of which makes them very untrustworthy (see our article on the subject: Destructive Discerners). Those who have a lower value of truth, discernment, truth-based love, and God’s Word will often mock, diminish, falsely accuse, and attack those who highly value discernment, truth, etc.]

9 | FAITHFUL TO THE TRUTH

• Their goal is not merely to make people feel good, or to tell them what they want to hear.
  Instead, they seek to lovingly tell others what they need to hear—that which is right, true, biblical, and loving—with the overall goal of loving them so that they grow in truth, love, and the true Jesus (cp. Eph 4:15, 29; 1 Tim 4:15-16; 2 Tim 2:24-26; 4:1-5; Gal 4:16; Prov 15:28; 27:5; Jas 5:19-20).
• While they seek to be faithful and loyal in relationships, they are always supremely faithful to the truth.
• They do not minimize or avoid the truth out of fear of being disloyal in their relationships. Rather, out of love and loyalty, they lovingly and faithfully speak the truth in love, with the goal of helping others, even when the truth might hurt. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Prov 27:6; see also 28:23; 2 Cor 7:8-11).
• [Note: In contrast, there are many who evade, suppress, twist, manipulate, and exaggerate the truth—usually to avoid conflict, confessions, and uncomfortable situations—and to flatter others and to make themselves appear better than they are.]

10 | ACCOUNTABLE

• They fully, contritely, and genuinely own and confess their failures, mistakes, and sin—and ask forgiveness for specific sins—while not minimizing, generalizing, excusing, justifying, obfuscating, blame-shifting, splitting hairs, redirecting the focus, manipulating, or using lawyer talk (Prov 28:13; 1 Jn 1:9; Ps 32:1ff).
• [Note: We can all be accused of wrongdoing, but this does not mean we are guilty and have to confess. How people handle accusations—false, true, and somewhere in between—goes a long way when it comes to revealing character, and overall level of trustworthiness.]

11 | GODLY SORROW

• When they sin, they have genuine and noticeable empathy, concern, alarm, and remorse for the pain and damage they have caused by their actions (Ps 51).
• They are motivated to truly repent of their sin and change their heart—so that they do not grieve God or hurt others in this area again—and with the hope of rebuilding trust and reconciling.
• They will seek to make things right with those they have hurt (contritely confessing; asking forgiveness for specific sin; repenting; genuinely seeking to rebuild trust; Rom 12:18; Matt 5:23-26; 2 Cor 7:10-11).

12 | THE RIGHT GOAL

• They pour their effort and concern into actually becoming more and more worthy of trust—by depending on God and working hard to change their heart over a period of time (cp. Acts 26:20; Matt 3:8; Ps 51).
• They do not pour their effort into getting others to trust them right away, usually through promises, flattery, platitudes, pleadings, exaggerations, clichés, excuses, rationalizing, justifying, blame-shifting, intellectualizing, manipulating, etc.
• They do not resort to pressuring, shaming, guilting, gaslighting, or coercing others to trust them.
  Truly trustworthy people do not try to talk their way into getting others to trust them, nor do they look for quick fixes—they do what it takes to become actually worthy of trust.
• [Note: Knowing the difference here takes discernment, which, in simple terms, is based on distinguishing word-based trust from character-based trust (i.e., the words people say versus their actions over a period of time; Lk 3:8ff; 7:35; cp. 1 Sam 16:7; Matt 15:1-9).]

13 | FOLLOW-THROUGH

• They do what they say they will do.
• They work hard at not making promises that they might not keep, or cannot keep (Matt 5:37; 1 Jn 3:18; Prov 20:25; Ecc 5:4-5).
• While follow-through is seemingly a simple thing, it can be one of the best indicators of how well we can trust others (notice how follow-through involves integrity, faithfulness to the truth, love-based truth, etc.).
• [Note: If a kept promise improves trust by a factor of one, a broken promise can damage trust by a factor of three, five, ten, or more, depending on the variables involved.]

What stands out to you the most from the traits above?

Which people come to mind—in a good way, and a not-so-good way? Why those individuals?

This is an excerpt from our latest equipping book Trustworthy People: How To Spot Them + How To Be One

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