EXCERPT FROM MARK’S NEW BOOK ON FORGIVENESS | We all have been and will be sinned against and hurt by others. This, in turn, will damage our relationships. Therefore, being able to realize true, full forgiveness is one of the most important things in life, not to mention relationships. However, when it comes to forgiving one another, some people seem to succeed more, or struggle more, than others. Why is that?
There are several pivotal elements which potentially hinder our forgiveness—or greatly aid us in forgiving others. How many challenges and benefits there are depends on the variables involved. The hope here is that by accurately understanding what these aspects are, how they apply, and growing where need be, we will greatly improve in our ability to forgive, as well as help others forgive.
Let’s take a look at what are perhaps the top fifteen factors that determine the challenges involved and overall quality when it comes to practicing forgiveness …
- Magnitude: Severity and pain of the offense(s), which is often the biggest factor by far.
- Amount: The number of repeat offenses, if any (another huge aspect; Lk 17:3-5).
- Sorrow: The level of either godly sorrow or worldly sorrow of the offender—and the lasting fruit of repentance that is produced from this, or not (cp 2 Cor 7:8-11; Matt 3:8; Acts 26:20).
- Motivation (in two parts): The kind of motivation (e.g., pure; love; for God; selfish; reluctantly; pragmatic; pursuit of happiness) and the amount of motivation (a little or a lot; passively or assertively) of the offended person in forgiving the offender.
- Know How: How accurately the hurt individual knows how to forgive. It is common for people to be well-intentioned in seeking to forgive, while also holding to one or more misunderstandings in how to forgive. Realizing true forgiveness requires the right motives and the right way to forgive.
- Quality: How well the decision to forgive was done (i.e., the initial “sending it away;” e.g., close by, far away, or far, far away; entrusting it to God, based on feelings or fully committed).
- The Process: How well the offended person understands “The Process of Forgiveness” that follows the decision to forgive (few know about or accurately understand this process; therefore, they often mistakenly believe that their decision to forgive should, by itself, achieve true forgiveness), and how well the offended individual has practiced “The Process of Forgiveness.” Like anything we practice, the newer we are to it, the harder it will be and the more we have done it right, the easier it becomes.
- Commitment: To the degree a person’s forgiveness (including both the decision and the process) depends more on their feelings then they will struggle, and they will almost assuredly fail (especially with the more painful offenses). If, however, they are able to wholeheartedly keep their commitment before God, and for God and others—according to grace and truth—then they will likely succeed.
- Grace: How well the offended person knows and appreciates mercy and grace (which can be hard for all of us to grasp, live in, as well as give and receive), especially appreciating the reality and magnitude of the forgiveness and grace given to him or her by God (Lk 7:36-50; Matt 18:21-35).
- Standard: The standard that is used by the offended person to measure the value of himself or herself, and others. Performance-based people (i.e., those who tend to value themselves—or others—based mainly on their performance) tend to struggle much more with forgiving. Performance-based thinking has value—particularly when it comes to trust, being worthy of trust, and rebuilding trust—but it often lacks grace-based living (valuing someone through grace, and apart from what they deserve).
- Focus: The preexisting tendency of the offended person to focus and dwell more on the past, on the negative things in life, on failures, and on that which he or she does not control; or to focus and dwell more on God, His truth, promises, grace, love, blessings, and the things he or she does control (Rom 8:5; Phil 4:4-8; Lam 3:19ff).
- View of Forgiveness: The degree a person sees forgiveness as a “have to,” or as a “get to.” [Does he or she see forgiveness as a risky, painful, or compulsory drudgery, which will likely add a burden or hardship? Or is forgiveness seen as God’s gift to us and as a risk-free, necessary, and sure way we get to heal, and which ultimately releases us from pain and burdens?]
- Vertical Relationship: The quality of the person’s current relationship with God (e.g., how much he or she is depending on God and His ways, and His grace, love, truth, and strength, instead of their own ways and abilities.) [Note: If a person struggles with forgiveness, then this does not necessarily mean that he or she has a poor relationship with Jesus. However, a lack of forgiveness will always damage a person’s relationship with God (Matt 6:14-15; 18:32-35; Is 59:2; Ps 73:21-22).]
- Forgiveness & Trust: When we mistakenly think that forgiving someone requires that we also immediately trust him or her, then this leads to many painful problems, including hindering forgiveness, and, ironically, to unforgiveness. However, when we understand that forgiveness and trust are separate, then this often frees us to fully forgive—and to heal—while also being cautious and wise when it comes to if, when, and how much to re-trust. Being accurate here allows us to forgive and heal, and to minimize further injuries. [We have written much more on this elsewhere]
- Stubbornness: This is the willful refusal to do what is known to be right, best, and loving—and/or the willful refusal to give up what is known to be harmful and destructive. Stubbornness (e.g., being “stiff-necked”) could be the number one thing that prevents, if not destroys, anything positive in our lives, including God’s gift of healing through forgiveness (cp Jer 7:22-28; Ps 81:11-12). Even more, stubbornness always takes us further away from God, truth, hope, love, etc. (cp Jer 7:24; 2 Chron 30:8). [Note: Perseverance and stubbornness are opposites, yet are often believed to be one and the same.]
There is a perplexing pattern when it comes to stubbornness and unforgiveness: Bitterness and resentment produce a unique and heightened level of pain. Pain, however, is not merely an unwanted feeling to eliminate from our lives. Rather, it is a divinely designed, undesired-yet-invaluable indicator and motivator. Our unwanted feelings are designed by God to alert us to problems and they provide motivation to investigate, address, and resolve them. [Note: Most people merely try to get rid of the unwanted feeling (which, it is worth noting, is often a major component in “addictive behavior”), while others try to address the cause of the problem and pain.]
Ideally, when the level of pain reaches a certain amount, the person in pain is motivated to yield to God and His ways and, in this case, to choose forgiveness (which addresses the cause). This would ultimately result in healing and the eventual removal of most, if not all of the pain from the offense (overcoming pain is one of the main reasons God commands us to forgive). This would also help us avoid resentment, bitterness, reliving past pain, and a myriad of other harmful problems (including health issues; cp Prov 14:30).
While that is the ideal way, stubbornness is the anti-ideal way (i.e., anti-God’s way; cp Is 55:8-9; Ps 1:1-3; Ecc 7:29; Jer 2:13). Therefore, stubborn individuals not only often refuse to forgive, they frequently blame the resulting destruction on others—or even on God—or something else. This, too, by itself, produces even more hopelessness, pain, darkness, and destruction (e.g., Prov 29:1), which is then blamed on others, God, etc. (cp 1 Kgs 18:17-18; 2 Chron 16:9-10; Prov 19:3; Rev 16:9-11).
There are also stubborn people who spurn God’s gift of forgiveness with specific purposes in mind. Why? So that they can use past offenses to punish the offender, to be a perpetual victim, and as a way to manipulate others and justify wrong behavior.
The solution is always, for all of us, to yield to God Himself and commit to His ways (e.g., 2 Chron 25:2; 30:8; Ps 25:4-5). However, the stubborn person, by definition, refuses to give in to what is right, best, and pleasing to God. Nothing is more hopeless. Yet, there is hope. In addition to God Himself, the hope here is that the pain will break the stubborn person (as with everyone else; cp Ps 51:17) so that then, being broken of their willful clinging to their harmful ways, he or she will surrender to God, give up their ways, humbly follow God, fully commit to His ways, and reap the blessings (Hos 5:15).
Show me Your ways, O Lord;
Teach me Your paths.
Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day.[Psalm 25:4-5]
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