Thirteen Marks of Manipulators And Abusers

HOW TO RECOGNIZE MANIPULATION AND ABUSE | The following is a list of thirteen common marks of manipulators and abusers. Simply put, the more of these characteristics you see in someone, the more likely it is that you are dealing with a manipulator or abuser.

1 | STUBBORN
Manipulators and Abusers (M/A’S) usually possess a high level of stubbornness (as well as pride and/or hard-heartedness). They are known to stubbornly refuse to admit or yield to what they know is the truth.

2 | AVOIDS PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY
Manipulators and Abusers almost always have a long history of and great skill in evading personal responsibility, which was developed over time, perhaps since childhood. This includes: blame-shifting, excuses, lying, answering questions with questions, etc. Yet, when M/A’s realize they cannot evade their culpability, they often swing to the other extreme, making statements such as, “I am a terrible person,” or “I’m a horrible sinner,” and even, “You just expect me to be perfect!” These responses are also evasion tactics used to gain pity, redirect, and avoid dealing with their specific sin or failure. Eventually they become experts in: “The Art of Taking Responsibility Without Taking Responsibility” (that is, they confess, without really confessing—while trying to convince others that they did confess).

3 | HAS A VICTIM MENTALITY
A person with a victim mentality sees victim-status as a means of evading responsibility, receiving benefits, manipulating others, and as a way to get ahead in life. When it comes to Manipulators and Abusers, they are highly practiced in convincing others (and even themselves) that they are the victim—even when they are, in fact, the victimizer. M/A’s have a tendency to manipulate people and circumstances by manufacturing offenses, exaggerating smaller offenses, and leveraging real offenses for both personal gain and avoiding personal responsibility. They are also skilled in getting others to be on their side, in blaming the actual victim, and in convincing the victim that he or she is the offender. As a result of all this, many of M/A’s become self-made “Perpetual Victims.”

4 | KEEPS A LONG LIST OF OFFENSES
Manipulators and Abusers tend to keep a long list of offenses (some real and many not real), and they rely on this list (dwelling on it internally and talking about it with others) to justify their behavior, dodge responsibility, as leverage to gain victimhood and sympathy from others (see #3), to punish others, or to get whatever it is that they want (i.e., to manipulate). Some use these offenses to justify their place in life or as an excuse for why they are not further along in life.

5 | IS A CHARACTER ASSASSIN
Part of their repertoire in evading responsibility and maintaining victimhood is to slander and to spread falsehoods and false accusations of others, particularly about those who confront the Manipulator/Abuser. Through this tactic, M/A’s are able to distort in their favor—or even completely shut down—any dialogue that would objectively and accurately address any wrongdoing or problems with the Manipulator/Abuser.

6 | ENABLED BY OTHERS
Manipulators and Abusers are almost always enabled by one or more Enablers in their environment. These Enablers (usually parents; spouse; friends; family) are people who consistently fall for their schemes of evasion and deception, who fear upsetting them, who have not and will not hold them accountable, and who pressure or guilt others to also enable or give in to the enabled Manipulator/Abuser. Some M/A’s are held accountable, or at least they are confronted, yet they consistently reject and rebel against truth and correction.

7 | VERY CONTROLLING
Manipulators and Abusers are often very controlling in general, but perhaps even more so when confronted. Ironically, they will tend to blame others for being controlling, especially when their control is challenged by others.

8 | RELIES ON EMOTIONAL RESPONSES
Manipulators and Abusers display strong, often sharp, emotional responses when confronted (tears, anger, or even rage, along with playing the victim-card), while redirecting the focus, blame, and ire onto others—especially onto those who confront them. Some extreme situations involve “emotional blackmail”—where anger, etc. are used to threaten or punish others, shut down any conversation that might challenge the Manipulator’s behavior, or bring his or her wrongdoing into the light.

9 | INSINCERE CONFESSION
If a Manipulator or Abuser does happen to confess, it will almost assuredly be an ambiguous, non-specific “confession”—which, in reality, often blames someone or something else—or covers just enough to satisfy others, save face, or avoid or minimize consequences (e.g., a plea bargain). If he or she does confess, it is usually because it is seen as the best or only option (e.g., a tactical advantage; they got caught; or they will lose something beneficial if they do not make a confession), not because they want to walk in the truth, genuinely repent, or truly reconcile according to the truth. Whatever the motive, if there is a confession, then there will be no lasting follow through on any promise to change (i.e., a lack of true repentance).

10 | DISDAINS SPECIFICS
Specifics help us to be more accurate. Accuracy helps us to avoid and correctly resolve problems. They are necessary companions of love, reconciliation, and loving relationships—and are esteemed by those who want to love according to the truth. However, Manipulators and Abusers see specifics as negatives, as threats, and as something to avoid. Therefore they will often heavily rely on generalities and ambiguity when discussing their responsibility. They will also depend on generalities and partial truths—while evading specifics—when making false accusations of others (to redirect, play the victim, etc). They use these so that it is harder, if not impossible, to disprove their false charges. While M/A’s may express an openness to work things out, when asked for specifics of what is needed to do so, in addition to ambiguous responses, they will often display sharp, adverse reactions, especially when pressed to address particulars (e.g., responding with personal attacks, extreme anger, and making the other person feel guilty or “crazy”). They also often manage to skillfully shift things back to generalities, their own victimhood, or attacking and blaming the confronter.

11 | BLAMES A LACK OF GRACE
Manipulators and Abusers often blame any unresolved problems in a relationship on a lack of grace and forgiveness from others, rather than on their own failure to genuinely confess and repent. So, instead of owning responsibility, their tendency is to blame anyone or anything else. In addition to “unforgiveness,” some examples of redirected blame include: “unfairness,” “judgmental people,” “Pharisees,” “critics,” “haters,” “hypocritical Christians,” “Bibliolators,” or “a lack of unconditional love,” to name just a few.

12 | SELF-FOCUSED
Manipulators and Abusers possess a high amount of self-focus, self-concern, or self-centeredness—even narcissism—along with a lack of empathy, and a lack of concern for others, God, and His Word. There may be lip service to these things, but without a genuine application of truth and love, especially when it comes to sin, confession, repentance, and godly sorrow (cp Ps 36:1-4; 2 Cor 7:10-11).

13 | LACKS SELF-AWARENESS
Manipulators and Abusers usually have an acute lack of self-awareness, particularly when it comes to their own sin and patterns of deception. We all reap what we sow, and at some point—through devaluing, evading, and twisting the truth over a period of time—M/A’s become desensitized to truth and reality, especially the truth about themselves (cp 1 Tim 4:1-2; 2 Tim 2:26; Eph 4:19; Ps 36:2).

Note: Can a person frequently live in deceit and continually avoid personal responsibility and not lack accurate self-awareness (e.g., 2 Tim 3:7-8, 13)? Consistently circumventing truth is lethal to one’s desire for, sensitivity to, and ability to detect or embrace the truth—particularly about one’s self (Eph 4:17-19). The outcome of regularly evading truth and light is an ever-deepening darkness and deceit (cp Jn 3:19-21). The end-product of knowingly lying, falsely accusing others, emphatically denying reality, and endeavoring to get others to believe these lies is a powerful self-deception and willful separation from truth, reality, and God Himself. We cannot intentionally live in darkness and depend on deceit without reaping its deadly fruit.

Every time the sinful patterns above are employed, those who practice them will have severe consequences, particularly the hardening of their heart. This further desensitizes them to truth, love, reconciliation, and God Himself. Finally, they will become increasingly detached from reality (cp Rom 1:21-32).

Tragically, that which brings hope and life for all of us—the only solution to many of our problems—is the very thing Manipulators and Abusers aggressively reject over and over!

There is no way of out of this deceit and destruction other than this: to yield to God and the truth, and to His way of confession, forgiveness, and repentance (cp Ps 32; 51; Is 66:2). Then, and only then can they change, be set free, and truly reconcile with God and others. However, these are also the very things they skillfully evade at every opportunity given to them.

What, then, can we do in relationships with these people? While we have written a great deal on this elsewhere (see One-Sided Reconciliation), a short, concise, yet powerful pattern of principles for us to follow are found in 2 Timothy 2:22-26. Paul gives us many things not to do (e.g., not getting involved in quarrels/harmful communication) and many things we can do (e.g., gently and firmly instructing and correcting with the truth; seek to be around the right kind of people)—all while entrusting the individual and the outcome to God.

Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife. And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will

2 Timothy 2:22-26

One thing is for sure: Manipulators, Abusers, Serial Offenders, and False Teachers all need the right kind of motivation to change their hearts, and to correct their ongoing error and harmful behavior. Furthermore, this need goes unmet due to a severe shortage in their desire for truth, particularly when it comes to walking in the truth (cp 2 Thess 2:10-13; Jer 7:24-28; 1 Jn 1:5-10; 3 Jn 4).

While it seems to be rare, some of these individuals do truly change. But how so? What is the key? The one main catalyst—in addition to the power of God—that spurs their change often is, of all things, pain (cp 2 Cor 7:8-11; Heb 12:5-11; 1 Kigs 21:25ff; 2 Chron 12:5ff).

There is a naturally resulting pain that comes from our sin and failure (Gal 6:7-8). Furthermore, there often should be appropriate consequences given. However, when these painful consequences are evaded (the avoidance of these is often the main motivation for Manipulators and Abusers), or are not appropriately given or allowed (as is common with Enablers), then the person in sin or error misses out on this life-giving, life-restoring, often life-determining opportunity.

The “successful” evasion of unwanted consequences is actually one of the main things that keeps Manipulators and Abusers from changing: That which is needed most is the very thing that is continually circumvented (cp Prov 19:19). This not only robs a person of hope, it hinders the solution, and it always causes even more destruction (e.g., hopelessness; a hardened heart; loss of sensitivity to truth and hope; enslavement to sin and darkness; destructive relationships; abuse).

Pain is a powerful motivator for all of us. But not just any type of motivation will do. Instead, it must be both the right amount of motivation coupled with the right kind of motivation.

Biblically speaking, godly sorrow breaks the pattern of sin, failure, and evading truth. Genuine godly sorrow motivates us to bring about true repentance, which leads to deliverance (see 2 Cor 7:10), not to mention true reconciliation with God and others. The kind of motivation we have literally makes the difference between life and death. Yet, very few people are familiar with godly sorrow, while being far too knowledgable of worldly sorrow (see 2 Cor 7:8-11).

That is why significant and appropriate consequences are often necessary and loving (Prov 19:19; Ecc 8:11). This may be counter-intuitive at first, but the pain that results from our sin—through the love and grace of God—are often exactly what it takes to spur us on toward true heart change (Hebrews 3:12-13; 12:5-11).

Notice in the following verses how it was pain and “affliction” that motivated the Israelites to leave their sin and “earnestly seek” God.

When He slew them, then they sought Him;
And they returned and sought earnestly for God.

Psalm 78:3

For I will be like a lion to Ephraim,
And like a young lion to the house of Judah.
I, even I, will tear them and go away;
I will take them away, and no one shall rescue.
I will return again to My place
Till they acknowledge their offense.
Then they will seek My face;
In their affliction they will earnestly seek Me

Hosea 5:14-15

Yet there are times, tragically, that this affliction, refining, and pain goes on in vain (see Jer 6:27-30; 7:24-29). Note the connection between stubbornness and a lack of change in a person’s life.

What kind of experiences have you had with one or more of these “extreme examples”? How did you handle it, and what was the overall outcome?

Taken from Mark’s book Forgiveness And Trust: Why Forgiving Someone Doesn’t Mean You Have To Trust Them – now available in eBook form.