Understanding Perfectionism

Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. (Galatians 5:1)

Whoever first said, “Life is hard … and then you die” must have been a perfectionist (or a pessimist, or both).

Yes, life can be exceedingly difficult, but—as a former(ish) perfectionist, and after decades of counseling perfectionists—I can attest that perfectionism is almost assuredly the hardest way of life.

To put it another way, perfectionism is impossible. This, then, produces hopelessness and all sorts of pain and personal stress. Even worse, we know it is impossible and a lie, and, at some point, we know it produces hopelessness and harm.

Nevertheless, we often continuously lie to ourselves and force ourselves to live under this falsehood and impossible standard, which, of course, produces all kinds of destruction. And, on some level, we also know that to live life based on what is impossible and false will lead to more and more painful and unwanted fruit in our life. Yet perfectionists still fall into this trap.

The good news, however, is that it does not have to be this way. It can all change. With God and His Word, we can break free from this harmful mindset and replace it with truth, grace, security, and other wonderful fruit in our lives (e.g. Jn 1:14; Gal 3:1ff).

 

WHAT IS PERFECTIONISM?

Perfectionism can be defined as:

• A propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards. (American Heritage Dictionary)
• A personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less. (Dictionary.com)

In other words, to the degree we live by perfectionism, we set ourselves up for continued failure–all when failure is not an option.

This maddening cycle leads to heaping amounts of shame, self-doubt, hopelessness, anxiety, and many other painful things. And the only solution, according to this mindset, is to make up for our failures by doing more, doing better, and doubling our perfection, yet we eventually fail and fall short.

This, of course, leads to ever-growing disappointment and pain, and much worse.

 

WHAT DRIVES A PERFECTIONIST?

Perfectionists are driven mainly by the fear of man, and by adopted faulty mindsets which require most, if not all, endeavors to be perfect, or at least far superior to others. They have exceedingly high and unobtainable expectations.

Perfectionists often perform well; however, their life is dominated not by their successes, but, sadly, by their failures. What is more, much of their overall experience is dominated by their failure to handle their failures well (e.g., condemnation).

 

WHERE DOES PERFECTIONISM COME FROM?

There are two main sources of perfectionism: our home environment and our religious environment.

However, a person could grow up on a deserted island by themselves and still become a huge perfectionist. Why? Because, ultimately, this is human nature; and, more specifically, this deceptive mindset is driven by our sinful nature (Ecc 9:3; Rom 8:5-6).

Overall, the more we are influenced by performance-based thinking (at home, church, friends, coaches, etc.) the more likely we will struggle with perfectionism.

[Note: More specifically, many who struggle with perfectionism are those who are current or former Catholics, Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Pentecostals, and other churches or church-type groups that are works-based, guilt-based, legalistic, and lack appropriate teaching and application of grace and truth.]

 

AM I A PERFECTIONIST?

Am I a perfectionist?

Perfectionists tend to be very likable individuals who are wonderful in many ways. Most are people who we would love to have as friends, to hire, and to even marry. In addition, your church likely has several perfectionists, including the leadership (e.g., pastors). What is more, a great number of successful people are heavily perfectionistic. Yet, because perfectionism is, ultimately, a lie, and not God’s design, there are many destructive downsides to this way of life.

So, while there is usually outward successes, and others often praise perfectionists and their achievements, inwardly there is ongoing (if not growing) insecurity, anxiety, depression, stress, guilt, doubt about their salvation, and a sense of always falling short (hence, the hopelessness and depression). In addition to these painful fruits, (e.g., depression; anxiety), there are other signs that indicate one might struggle with perfectionism.

 

TOP 10 FUNCTIONAL CHARACTERISTICS OF PERFECTIONISTS

The following ten traits are very common, especially among Christians.

It can be very helpful to make an honest assessment in order to see how much you personally struggle in these areas by rating yourself on each one (with a scale of 0 to 10, with 10 being the biggest struggle). The overall goal here is not merely to see whether you qualify as a perfectionist, but to identify specific struggles, so that you can biblically address and overcome them.

PERFECTIONISTS TEND TO:

1. Struggle to trust God (they often do trust God, but have an overall struggle here)
2. Focus too much on the wrong things, and not nearly enough on the right things
3. Take on too much responsibility (proactively, and often reactively)
4. Be controlling (and struggle to delegate responsibilities, or entrust concerns to God)
5. Have a great deal of the fear of man (Prov 29:25)
6. Struggle to live in grace (and to give grace)
7. Be really hard on themselves, and to beat themselves up (e.g., negative self-talk)
8. Be motivated by fear, and the fear of failure (which often leads to procrastination)
9. Have a persistent sense of never measuring up
10. Rely heavily on themselves, and their strength, and on one or more aspects of the creation (e.g., food; phone; alcohol; buying things; caffeine; nicotine; drugs)

If you took the time to rate yourself on each of the above, what did you learn about yourself?

What would you say needs to change?

It’s important to note that all of these characteristics are changeable. There are wonderful solutions to every single struggle listed above. Yes, overcoming is easier said than done, but it can be done. And to not do so is far more difficult and painful.

One key thing to keep in mind is that this is not a list of “have to’s.” Instead, there are several things we “get to” work on, which, in turn, will bring great relief, and produce amazing blessings in our life. Somewhat ironically, and pertinently, many performance-based people tend to see these as dreaded “have to’s,” and even a list of the many ways they are failing. However, a change in this perspective, and focus, will dramatically change so much in their life.

 

5 COMMON MINDSETS OF PERFECTIONISTS

While there are many common threads, not all perfectionists are exactly alike. There are many variations and levels of perfectionism. One person may be a perfectionist in certain areas, while another perfectionist is not. And, in one way, it doesn’t matter whether a person is a perfectionist or not. The bigger concern is that there are several underlying common problems that we can all struggle with, which need to be addressed.

With that in mind, here are some of the most prominent mindsets of perfectionists:

1. All-Or-Nothing Thinking: “If I don’t complete all my tasks I have failed.” “If it’s not perfect, it is a failure.” “I have either succeeded, or failed.” They tend to see things as either a success, or a failure—there is no real in-between, or degrees of success.
2. Tasks-Over-People: “Working on and finishing tasks is often more important than how I treat people, and spending time with people in my life.” (i.e., they value the completion of tasks over relationships, and how they treat and value others; cp. Lk 10:38-42)
3. Performance-Based Thinking: “My value comes from my performance, and/or what people think of me and my performance.” They measure their worth mainly by how well they perform day-to-day, and/or in certain key areas of life.
4. Generalized Extreme Condemnation Syndrome (GECS): “I have to beat myself up and feel horrible about myself after I sin or fail.” [e.g., “I’m a horrible person.” “I’m terrible _______” (in relationships, math, sports, parenting).] So, rather than responding with truth, grace, conviction, and specifics (Prov 28:13), failures are usually expressed in extremes, filled with condemnation, and are far too generalized. [Note: This alone often produces an exceptional amount of hopelessness/depression, and even suicidal ideation.]
5. The Fear Of Man: “My value and security depends on what others think of me.” “The best way to avoid rejection, and to assure acceptance, is to perform well—and being perfect is the best assurance of all.” The fear of man is often the main motivation for why perfectionists think and live as they do.

Which ones resonate with you the most?

How do they specifically affect your day to day life?

 

OVERCOMING PERFECTIONISM

Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God, who also made us sufficient as ministers of the new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. (2 Corinthians 3:5-6)

While the solutions to perfectionism are implied in the lists above, one way to summarize the problem and remedy is the difference between living as if we are under the Old Covenant, or living in the reality of the New Covenant (cp. 2 Cor 3:5ff; Gal 3-5). Notice that the Old Covenant comes with fear, guilt, condemnation, hopelessness, tyranny, and even “death” (e.g., 2 Cor 3:6; Gal 3:10), while the New Covenant produces the polar opposite: freedom, joy, peace, security, hope, and life.

We do not have space to do justice to the solution to perfectionism in this short article, but we have additional resources that address many of the root issues, including our booklet Overcoming Anxiety. We also have several helpful “homework” assignments which hundreds of people have processed and applied to their lives. As a result, they have experienced freedom from perfectionism and its painful and ugly fruit (e.g., depression; anxiety; insecurity). In addition, we are working on more material to address the above struggles, which we will be posting soon. As always, let us know how we can help you.

Overall, there is always good news: God knows that in a sinful, fallen world we cannot be perfect in our behavior and thought life. He knows we cannot be perfect, but He made a way for us to be perfect “positionally.” This means that, because of God’s perfect love, and the perfect work of Jesus on the cross, in dying for our sins, and rising from the dead—and by believing in Him, and through His grace—we can be fully forgiven, and fully reconciled to God. In so doing, our position with Him is perfect, even though in practice we are far from perfect.  More On This Good News Here

 

Hope For Life Biblical Counseling & Equipping is a non-profit ministry committed to providing no-cost biblical counseling to those in need, along with biblical equipping materials for the body of Christ, our local community, and worldwide through our online resources at Hope For Life and the HFL Shop

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